By now, we’ve all been exposed to the gem that is “Sleepless in Austin,” otherwise known as THE MOST OFFENSIVE PERSON ON THE PLANET.
Romeo Rose, which please tell me is a fake name, has the most worrisome and asinine dating requirements on the planet. He seems genuinely surprised that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in four years, so we’re going to take a look at what he’s looking for in a point, counter point format, or as I like to call it, BITCH, PLEASE! (Side note: there are so many, we’re just picking the lowlights)
First, we have the appearance: I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considerd (sic)overweight, they should be fine. Being overweight is a total dealbreaker (sic)with me.
Bitch, Please! First of all, you might want to get rid of that spare tire you’re sporting before you go criticizing someone who weighs over 130 pounds. Second of all, wow. Really? There are more qualities that make someone physically attractive than an ideal weight.
(In his video interview with the Huffington Post, Jerkface McGoo says that overweight people have no self-esteem and don’t take care of themselves, which is really the issue here. Okay, fine, so would he date the other end of the spectrum: someone who is 95 pounds and starving themselves? Would that be okay?)
Second, we have their wardrobe choices: I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK.
I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!"
I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!
Bitch, Please! You seem terribly confused. You want a conservative dresser who is a non-slut and wears a mini-skirt with spiked heels? WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A BRAIN?
Third, the race card. He plays the race card so hard and so often, it’s FUCKING ALARMING:
I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.
However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.
His interview on Huffington Post Thursday was the most nauseating seven minutes of video I’ve seen in a while, and I’m tempted to bathe in bleach now, but we seem to be fresh out. Watch it if you dare, but I suggest doing so in a place where there is nothing you can throw that would cause significant damage.
On the video, he equates having sex with a black person to bestiality and calls them monkeys and physically repulsive.
Bitch, Please! I don’t even know where to START WITH YOU. First of all, if there is anyone who is physically repulsive in this scenario, it’s YOU, with your fucking 70s porn star hair and fake teeth. You look like fucking Ron Jeremy mated with a snake, and in fact if that was your true origin, I would not FUCKING be surprised. Go back to the 1830’s where you belong, and by the way congratulations – you are the ONE PERSON ALIVE who can make Paula Deen look accepting.
And let’s not forget about the all-important criteria in regards to the condition of our lady business: I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans (sic)body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel (sic)exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as they did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.
Bitch, Please! I hate to fucking break it to you, ROMEO, but physical perfection does not exist, regardless of whether or not you’ve given birth. Stretch marks and cellulite can and do happen to anyone. I suppose you wouldn’t meet my dating criteria given that the person needs to have a SOUL and a penis longer than three-inches, which based on your obsession with physical perfection, is not you.
And there’s more about the physical state of our bodies: I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily (sic)be a dealbreaker. (sic) And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.
To me, tattoos just represent white trash or someone (sic) that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever (sic)Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising (sic)a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!
Bitch, Please! Okay, you are so narrow minded, I want to punch you in the fucking teeth. What if I said guys who wore pink button downs and had hair like yours were automatic psychopaths? Actually, wait a minute, I might be on to something.
Now, the BEST part of his site (or the worst) is the FAQ for Matchmakers, where we get this gem, and I am going to just point out all the contradictions:
3. Why don’t you just join a online dating site like E-Harmony, Match, POF, OKCupid, etc, etc, etc.
I’ve tried all of those sites off and on over the last couple years and they just don’t work for me. I went out on a small handfull (learn how to fucking spell) of dates due to them. Half of them were women I liked and would have liked to had a long term relationship with, but they never seen me again (GRAMMAR FAIL) after the first date or two (Gee, I wonder why). The other half I went out with on those sites all had issues, ranging from drug use to being bi-polar. Other women would message me on those sites but I refused to even meet them to to either A. They were unattractive and overweight. or B. They had “issues”. It is my firm belief that most women on dating sites are so unattractive they just don’t have many options in real life so they hide behind a screen. Or they just have too many issues. There’s usually a reason why a woman would look for a man on a dating site.(You have essentially created your own personal dating site to find a girlfriend, but a girl can’t use one that’s well established? Again, I ask you, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A BRAIN???) It’s usually because she has tried to find a man in real life but couldn’t. This is usually due to her appearance, or to other issues. Many women on dating sites have mental issues and are very unstable, many do not even have a job. Many are gold diggers just wanting to use men for their money. Many are on there just to play mind games with men.
(Let me stop you right there, though I should have stopped you nine sentences ago. I will go slowly so you can follow me: 1) You have been single for four years. 2) You were on a dating web site. 3) It’s okay for you to be on one but no one else? 4) That is not how dating sites work.)
Many are bi-polar or have substance abuse problems. (I would need a substance abuse problem in order to date you) If a woman has so many positive things going on for her in her life, she certainly would not feel a need to go to a dating website, that in itself is pure desperation. (WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GO THERE TO BEGIN WITH, THEN? I suspect you only have this view of them now because they did not work for you) It’s also a signal that they must not know how to have healthy long term relationships with men if they are having a difficult time finding a man that will stay with them. (Why are they the automatic dumpees? And further more, how in the fuck did someone date you for 11 years? Was she made of rubber?) Online dating has just proven to be a total waste of my time & money, I have tried all the sites, paid subscriptions, several times each, for long periods of time. I am 39 years old now, time is running out, and it’s time to try new things that may actually work. I want a normal woman, that is not on any type of dating site.
Now that I have lost faith in humanity, I am going to drown myself in a vat of wine.
