Just how many people out there were yearning to see a big-screen, major motion picture remake of The Six Million Dollar Man TV show?
Last week, Deadline reported that Mark Wahlberg would star in The Six Billion Dollar Man, with Peter Berg directing. The two previously worked together on last year’s Lone Survivor, about a covert four-man Navy SEAL mission gone horribly wrong.
The story follows a former astronaut who suffers through a disastrous crash test-piloting an experimental plane. The accident caused the loss of his right arm, left eye and both legs, which are replaced by bionic parts. As a result, he gains superhuman strength, speed and sight and works as a secret agent for the government. Dimension Films intends to release the film sometime in 2016.
Based on a 1972 novel called Cyborg, The Six Million Dollar Man starred Lee Majors and ran on ABC from 1974 to 1978. I dare presume that virtually everyone reading this article wasn’t even born yet or is too young to remember the show being on television. I can occasionally be sensitive about my age, so I don’t often like to give myself away, but I was a very young kid when the adventures of Col. Steve Austin and his bionic limbs were on television.
http://youtu.be/HoLs0V8T5AA
I had Six Million Dollar Man action figures (dolls) and a lunch box (the die-cast kind of lunch box that came with a thermos inside), which I remember fondly because they were among my first cultural artifacts.
I believe “The Six Million Dollar Man” was also my very first childhood Halloween costume, purchased at Meijer, with those plastic masks held on your face by a rubber band that sometimes cut into your skin and made you sweaty because your breath created condensation inside the mask. The costume was just a plastic smock with the show logo and a drawing of Steve Austin on the chest. (I know pictures exist of this costume, but it would be an effort to find them. Plus, you don’t really care, do you?)
My point is this: I am presumably the target audience for a Six Billion Dollar Man movie, being old enough to remember the show, still having an affection for the TV of my youth, and a big fan of blockbuster sci-fi action-adventure types of movies. Yet even I’m not that excited about The Six Million Dollar Man being updated into a modern-day film.
I’m not suggesting that there was never an appetite for such a movie. At one point — particularly during the 90s — big-budget remakes of 1970s TV shows were popular, attempting to cash in on a brand name and nostalgia. For some franchises, such as Mission: Impossible, that paid off big. But that is the very rare success.
There have been some other shows that had some success on the big screen, like The Brady Bunch, Charlie’s Angels and The Fugitive (a personal favorite of mine). Maybe we can add the 21 Jump Street movies to that list, though the movies are so different from the original show. But the Hollywood landfill is full of failures like The Mod Squad, I Spy, Lost in Space, Get Smart, The Dukes of Hazzard and dozens of others that could make up an entirely separate post listing the worst TV show remakes ever produced. [Note to self and AP Party staff.]
Yet the whole concept of The Six Million Dollar Man seems dated. The space program is all but dormant, flying largely unmanned missions (with apologies to Interstellar). Robocop had virtually his entire body replaced by robotics after a near-fatal accident. Tony Stark built himself a flying suit of armor.
Of course, it is intriguing to think about how modern CGI effects and make-up could improve on a 1970s TV budget, which mostly depicted Austin’s superheroics with slow motion and goofy sound effects. And since Austin became a secret agent, maybe this could develop into a superpowered version of Jason Bourne or James Bond.
I like Wahlberg as an actor, though I would suggest that he’s been far less interesting on screen when playing a straight action hero, as in Planet of the Apes, Max Payne, or Transformers: Age of Extinction. It’s when he plays a flawed, slightly different take on the hero — for example, in The Other Guys, The Italian Job, or Shooter — that Wahlberg is more compelling. He’s even more so when doing a comedy, which is why Ted was such a pleasant surprise.
Really, I’d like Wahlberg’s nostrils to be bionically enhanced. Did you see how big he could flare those things when he got angry in Pain & Gain? Imagine that in slow motion, with the duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh sound effects. That could be spectacular.
I will also stick up for Berg, though it’s difficult to defend him after 2012’s Battleship. The Rundown is one of my favorite action movies ever. Friday Night Lights is a sports movie classic. The Kingdom was a compelling military thriller. Hancock was a interesting take on the superhero mythos. And I have a deep love in the dark part of my heart for Very Bad Things, a twisted black comedy.
If The Six Billion Dollar Man was something of a parody or at least had a comedic bent, like 2004’s Starsky & Hutch or the Jump Street movies, then maybe I’d be more interested. Make it a period piece with Wahlberg in the red tracksuits or beige leisure suits that Majors wore, and you have potential comedy gold. Austin would have to fight Bionic Bigfoot too. Maybe Berg could cast Shaquille O’Neal in that role.
But this is also the same director who had a serious take on Battleship, attempting a genuine sci-fi action movie out of something that probably should have been a little bit goofy — or at least had a sense of humor, despite Hasbro wanting another “Transformers” type of franchise for its toys. Instead, it was like Top Gun with aliens and spaceships. And Liam Neeson didn’t even get to punch any of those aliens or break their arms.
Hancock did show, however, that Berg is willing to try a different take on a popular genre. Though it wasn’t as dark or comedic as its original script, at least it attracted Will Smith into playing an antihero and explored what might happen if someone less noble and moral had the powers of Superman. After all, who says there’s an obligation to help people and do the right thing if you could fly, lift up cars and deflect bullets?
Just trying to cash in on nostalgia isn’t enough anymore. The Six Million Dollar Man provided an action hero when it wasn’t possible to put comic book heroes on TV (or in the movies). But things have obviously changed radically. Superheroes with serialized, multi-film storylines and deep universes of characters rule the day now. I would love this to become as viable as the Mission: Impossible franchise did with Tom Cruise.
Unfortunately, my hopes aren’t high. But this may have increased my appetite to try and find those old toys and lunch boxes.
