Watching the 2014 AMAs, AKA We Guess This is a Thing

Yes, it’s time for another award show that (somewhat) relevant celebrities agreed to participate in!

The American Music Awards — AKA another thing Dick Clark invented — were televised Sunday night (Nov. 23) on ABC. The AMAs always seem like the VMAs but just slightly aged up a little bit in case your parents showed up to watch Once Upon a Time or something. You may have missed some of the action. The AP Party’s Steve Lepore and Samantha Murray were both either tired or hungover, so they missed none of the action. Here are some of their thoughts on A Night In Music That Was.

On Taylor Swift’s opening performance of “Blank Space”

Steve Lepore: Wow, Taylor right off the bat. VIDEO REENACTMENT… SLEIGHT OF HAND.

Samantha Murray: You know that 1989-era Taylor can do no wrong in my eyes, especially regarding “Blank Space,” but this is a boring concept for a performance. The video was masterful, so this feels too wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

Lepore: This feels like all of the leftover ideas from the video. Like Taylor pitched them in a meeting and the director was like, “Yeah, maybe we’ll try that!”

Murray: I also feel like not making every dancer a doppelganger for her exes is a real missed opportunity. I want every producer on this show fired for not cutting to Harry Styles at any point.

Lepore: I mean, doesn’t Harry Styles have a pony tail sometimes? I saw a guy with a pony tail! But really, how could you stage a Taylor Swift performance without a single reaction shot?

Murray: That man-bun was way too neat to be playing Harry Styles’s man-bun.

On the host of the AMAs… Pitbull

Lepore: PITBULL’S TRYING TO DO STANDUP.

Murray: Mr. Worldwide in favor of Obama’s immigration policies.

Lepore:  are these the Cuban version of Dad Jokes?

[Pitbull brings up Iggy Azalea taking his place on the remix of Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty”]

Murray: I loooooove Iggy’s face because she’s constantly making the “can you even” face.

Lepore: Especially since Pitbull was on the original “Booty” the “can you even” feels extra pointy.

Murray: Pretty much every time I think of Iggy, it usually causes an existential crisis because we’re the same age and she looks like THAT. But it’s when she responds in a betchy way to old dudes coming at her that I really feel like we’re not so different after all.

[Pitbull performs with Ne-Yo]

I feel like Pitbull has made this a really unenjoyable experience for me. I would, in fact, like him to stop the party.

Lepore: I’ve never been more anti-party. I also feel like I haven’t seen Ne-Yo in like a decade. So wait, now Pitbull writes working man anthems?

Murray: Uh YEAH. Mr. Worldwide has to represent his people.

On One Direction, who won a bunch of AMAs or something

Murray: HARRY <3333

Lepore: Why is Harry dressing like Russell Brand? Or Rattle and Hum-era Bono?

Murray: Because all British men are either Harry Potter or The Mad Hatter.

Lepore: I guess the interesting ones in One Direction aren’t going to talk…

Murray: They’ve been letting Liam do all the talking lately and it’s bullshit. Especially because he’s kind of simple?

[Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg give One Direction an award for their EP Midnight Memories, playing a song from their album Four]

Lepore: Hey look, it’s The Two Worst People On The Planet.

Murray: “Steal My Girl” is not off Midnight Memories.

Lepore: Maybe the people doing the nominating were also not vaccinated. COME ON HARRY, TELL THE AUDIENCE TO VACCINATE THEIR CHILDREN.

Murray: HE SPEAKS. O SPEAK AGAIN BRIGHT ANGEL.

Lepore: Explain the appeal of Harry Styles.

Murray: He is just incredibly charming.

[One Direction performs “Night Changes”]

Murray: THEY’RE BACK! Just so you know, my face actually looks like the heart eyes emoji.

Lepore: You should get some eye drops when this is done. Remember when only one of the boy band members could have a tattoo?

Murray: Yeah, and then they had to go to rehab.

Lepore: Poor AJ MacLean. Remember when they announced that that was happening on TRL? In retrospect that was the WORST place to announce you are going to rehab.

Murray: I do think that’s one of the cool things about the popularity of one direction though. they’re all tattted up, no one pretends to be a virgin, and their heartthrob is Pakistani.

On Charli XCX

Lepore: in “DAAAAAAAAAAD” news, I just learned now that you’re supposed to say “Charli XCX.” I’ve never spoken her name publicly out of possible embarrassment that the XCX stood for something else.

Charli XCX is like if someone carefully studied where Gwen Stefani’s solo career went wrong, took copious notes, and made all the necessary upgrades.

Murray: I agree. I love “Boom Clap.” Did you know that Charli XCX tried to give this song to hilary duff and she passed?

[Charli XCX starts to play “Break the Rules”]

I hate when anybody older than 16 uses the “I don’t want to go to school” trope. Charli XCX is 22. nobody’s going to make you, honey.

On Wyclef Jean’s performance with MAGIC!

Lepore: Hey look, it’s Bitter Towards Lauryn Hill’s Success.

Murray: Why DO you have to be so rude, Wyclef Jean?

Lepore: I’m really sorry white people under the age of 22, but MAGIC! sucks.

Murray: The only thing worse than this song is all the “response” songs from dads on YouTube.

Lepore: I wonder if Wyclef thinks this is the new Shakira and is granting him a few more minutes of relevance.

Murray: true or false: all groups with punctuation in their name suck

On Iggy Azalea

[Iggy wins for “Black Widow]

Lepore: BLACK WIDDLE BABY. Wait… is that… is that what T.I. looks like now?

Murray: Awwww Iggy. Is this really her first-ever award?

Lepore: Do all of the ass-based awards not count?

Murray: Do you think she’s including everything ever? like she wasn’t even student of the month ONE TIME?

Lepore: Did Iggy get her American accent from Grease?

On 5 Seconds of Summer

Lepore: Why am I watching these koalas cover “What I Like About You?

Murray: I feel like they should put more effort into enunciating when it’s a song that pretty much every English-speaking person in the world knows the words to. One of these guys’ dick is on The Internet.

Lepore: Well good for them! Any idea which one?

Murray: I have no idea who any of these people are, so I can’t really distinguish. But I remember it wasn’t a cloud issue, they Snapchatted it to someone who took a screenshot, I think.

Lepore: That ol’ chestnut. Okay, so these idiots put out a lyric video for their cover of “What I Like About You.” Is a four-year-old running their brand strategy? The Australian accent just doesn’t work the way the British accent does. I mean I get that they’re tiny and cute and whatever but they just don’t have It and i think It might be a British accent.

Murray: They have no hook. Who is their heartthrob???

On the one-two of Lorde and Ariana Grande, introduced by Elizabeth Banks

Lepore: I love Liz Banks forever, but you know the AMAs are second-rate if she’s who showed up to introduce Lorde.

Murray: Where is Liam Hemsworth? I need all of my mancrushes on one show. I don’t know why i just qualified them as “mancrushes.” They are actual crushes, I don’t want to be them. I’ve had a long weekend.

So is Lorde just Skyping into this or what? Aww, look at Taylor.

Lepore: Lorde is super pissed at whatever this song is about. President Snow finally crossed the wrong girl.

LOL at Ariana Grande trying to follow that.

Murray: E-NUN-CI-ATE

Murray: I think this dress isn’t horrible, which is kind of a halfway there improvement for her.

Murray: The dress looks nice. But Ariana Grande might be the most boring person alive. I don’t understand how Big Sean can find her a suitable substitute for Naya Rivera?

Lepore: She seems like a pretty classic rebound from a chaotic engagement. Boring-ass girl who has no idea what she’s doing?

On noting the reactions on Twitter by various fan groups to AMA winners

Murray: You know what i think is a really creepy part of pop culture these days? Groups of diehard fans that are so attached to this identity that they actually get named. Katy Perry shouting out her “Katy Cats(?)” reminded me of this, but it’s all over the place. Beliebers, Little Monsters, whatever. It’s very odd to think of people who like something SO MUCH that it sort of supersedes their individual identities.

Lepore: It literally happens before I’ve even heard of them.

Murray: Everyone that gets big these days comes with a fan army already built. Tumblr is a breeding ground.

Lepore: You mix enough porn with an attractive popstar…

http://youtu.be/gNrGfVutX84

On Selena Gomez performing “The Heart Wants What it Wants”

Murray: This is some Windows 98 screensaver realness.

Lepore: Wouldn’t this be the greatest low-key jam of a feelings song if they didnt give it to someone who actually has this low self-esteem? Like, the singer relating to the material actually hurts this song.

Murray: I actually like this song, but I have very clear visuals of Selena Gomez crying in bed now. I also think it’s a little premature to call this a “hit” song. The guy in the next cubicle listens to Z100 all day every day and I have never heard this song before. I’m actually kind of moved by this but also feel embarrassed for her. This is very emotionally raw and Bieber is probably on a yacht snorting coke off a model’s ass right now.

Lepore: Man, the lack of effort put into this performance just screams “I am out of my record contract the second this song is over.” But I think it definitely signals promise for whatever she does next. And Justin Bieber only snorts coke off of models’ tits. He’s still got a little polite Canadian in him.

Murray: She has kind of an awkward career because I think she definitely considers herself more of an actress, but music is the only place people are really receptive to her.

Lepore: Spring break fo’eva.

On Nicki Minaj performing with Skylar Grey

Lepore: “When you lie in your bed of lies”? It’s kind of sad when even Skylar Grey mails it in on a song.

Murray: There is such a particular kind of person that is going to make this their Facebook status.

On Fergie’s performance

Lepore: So… what do we have to say about Fergie?

Murray: Hmmm…

Lepore: I… think its great that she’s still trying? Like, I have no feelings about her.

Murray: That’s kind of where i’m coming down on this. I respect the effort?

Lepore: I wish her no ill will. Ithink it’s worth noting that this song is trying a little bit too much to make us all think that Fergie invented Iggy and Nicki.

Murray: I have experienced moments of personal growth to “Big Girls Don’t Cry” but that was a really unnecessary strip. Clumsy in execution and no impact on the costume.

Lepore: You’re such a girl, you have impossibly high standards for stripping. That seriously might be the first wardrobe malfunction that revealed less skin than the person actually wanted to reveal.

On Garth Brooks, who performed remotely from Greensboro, NC

Lepore: Shouldn’t he say “Welcome American Music Awards” rather than “Welcome to the American Music Awards”? Is Garth Brooks at an alternate timeline American Music Awards?

Murray: Whenever awards shows broadcast remote performances, I always wonder what that must be like for everyone else involved. Like the people at the actual AMAs are probably just like “ooookay” and watching the screen. Or probably all going to the bar or the bathroom, and then there’s the people who are at this concert in North Carolina that is temporarily pandering to an audience that is not them.

http://youtu.be/MZ9Ox1C306c

On Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez performing “Booty (Remix)” to end the show

Lepore: Is Iggy and J. Lo what closes the show? This feels unearned.

Murray: It’s the performance that the AMAs deserve, but not the one it needs. Pitbull is being a little “the lady doth protest too much” about “Booty.” Like going WAY over the top happy about it to mask his unhappiness about being dropped from the track. I’M TOTALLY FINE WITH IT, IT’S COOL.

Murray: Jennifer Lopez is 45. Fucking UNBELIEVABLE.

Lepore: She looks amazing. I wish she were doing better material than this, in both her music and film career.

Murray: Uhh, The Boy Next Door looks AMAZING.

Post-Script

Lepore: Alright, so… that was weirdly disappointing, right? The show feels like the VMAs’ more polite little brother. I mean, some good performances, but it seems like this is built upon having as little drama as possible, which sucks.<

Murray: This was terrible. I was hungover and spent most of the day laying in bed and watching One Direction interviews, so it was an acceptable nightcap. But if I had had the ability to be productive during this time, I would regard the AMAs as a massive waste of my time.