After the two-hour premiere of Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday, Monday featured back-to-back episodes that brought to light a few things:
1) Geraldo is a FUCKING jackass.
2) You cannot outsmart Donald Trump.
3) Donald’s son Eric is better looking than Donald Jr. Also, I have a girl crush on Ivanka.
So now, let’s get to the recap, shall we?
Less than five minutes into the episode, and Geraldo has compared himself to Mount Rushmore and Kate Gosselin and Brandi Glanville are arguing because Brandi called her lazy in the boardroom at the end of the first episode. Kate says that as a mother of eight, lazy is the last word people should use to describe her.
The first challenge is working with a company called Neat. Neat has scanner products built to help reduce paper clutter and keep people organized. The next step is to reduce digital clutter. The task is to create a commercial that highlights two of the products: a cloud service and wireless scanner. The Donald’s advisers for the week are his right-hand man George from the early days, season one, and his son Don Jr.
Trumpet makes the groups pick their project managers then and there. Kevin Jonas tells the guys he is familiar with the products so he’ll be the PM. No one on the girls side wants to do it, so Kate steps up and claims the job, even though in an interview she admits technology is a weakness of hers.
In a van on the way to somewhere, Kevin, Ian and Lorenzo immediately start brainstorming the concept for the commercial, using Gilbert as the talent. Geraldo is banished to a different van as he astutely notes that Kevin is trying to keep him out of the way given that when Geraldo was a PM, he bulldozed over everyone. He says in an interview “I’m Geraldo. I’m not anyone to trifle with.” How many times is this jackass going to remind us of who he is? He did like eleventy billion times in the premiere episode. This is going to get real old real fast.
Kevin calls Johnny Damon, who is also in Geraldo’s van, and before he can even get a word in, Geraldo declares the tagline should be, “Neat. Sweet.” He repeats it so much that Kevin eventually just hangs up on him. Geraldo has firmly established himself as a fucking asshole.
The Battle of the Bravo Bitches continues when Brandi interviews that Kate has no clue what she’s doing and they ALL have to be project managers now. Um, bitch, where were you when no one volunteered to do it? Oh, that’s right? NOT VOLUNTEERING. Step off. (Yeah, I’m so irritated right now that I’m reverting to 90s insults. Send help).
Just as the executives arrive to talk to the gents, Geraldo takes a call and talks so loudly, Kevin can’t focus. RUDE! Also, he’s talking loudly about getting sued.
Shawn pitches a concept to the women that they decide to go with. Everyone but Kate is grasping the concept, so Leeza steps in and declares herself the de facto PM.
Kate and Brandi start proverbially scratching each other’s eyes out because Brandi thinks Kate is doing nothing and Kate thinks Brandi is panicking and making things worse.
Sig gets the Dirty Jobs guy, Mike Rowe, to do the voiceover for the commercial. This offends Geraldo, who now thinks Ian, Kevin and Lorenzo are conspiring against him. Dude needs to get his head out of his ass, but it’s up there so far, I feel we’re at the point of no return. Kevin and Geraldo then start yelling at each other because Kevin is trying to be a competent PM and Geraldo is not taking direction well.
Lorenzo tries to makes nice and asks Geraldo to do the voiceover in case Mike Rowe falls through. Geraldo does it in between hissy fits. Lorenzo interviews that this is the most egotistical anyone has ever acted on a set he’s been on, and he’s been doing this for 30 years.
The ladies present first and their commercial stars Vivica as a Neatologist. It appears to go over well with the execs and Don Jr.
The guys present a commercial I liked less, but the execs give Kevin the head nod as if they approve. Kevin interviews that their validation was more gratifying than yelling at Geraldo, which might be the best thing he’s ever said, I’m pretty sure.
Then we go to the boardroom. Trumpet immediately asks Geraldo what he thinks of Kevin and Geraldo immediately starts blowing smoke — Kevin is so smart, Kevin is so great. (Maybe, I don’t know, treat him that way then, you dip weasel.) But then he immediately tattles and says that Kevin had Ian and Lorenzo as his nucleus. Kevin said he picked them because they’d been in front of and behind the camera the most. Kevin says there is no weak link on the team.
Geraldo said he would be shocked if they lost and the ladies came up with something better. I really, really hate this guy. And I love Kevin so much for trying to take him down a peg or six. Even if he IS a Jonas Brother.
Kate says, with about as much confidence as I had in seventh grade, that she thinks the girls won. But if they lost, Brandi should get the ax. Brandi panicked. Brandi panicked because Kate was a bad PM.
Don Don Jr. tells the gals that the execs liked their commercial for focusing on where Neat is going, but the lack of diversity and focus on multiple target audiences was a negative.
George tells the guys that the use of Gilbert was brilliant. It was more diverse. But it didn’t go into depth about the cloud service and didn’t use the cloud logo.
Final verdict: Ladies win.
With just the dudes in the boardroom, Kevin wastes no time blaming everything on Geraldo. The ladies, watching this from their suite, are begging Kevin not to go against Geraldo because he’ll lose. Geraldo says that without him, there would be no commercial to which Kevin replies that he just took credit for it. Geraldo tries to take credit for using Gilbert even though that concept was born in the van he was banished from. Ian, my hero, jumps in and points this out. Trumpet asks Ian who he should fire and Ian says Geraldo because, of course, and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
But then Kevin breaks my heart by saying he is going to take Ian back into the boardroom with him, along with Geraldo, who I want to see fired so badly I will sell my soul to the lowest bidder. He says he is bringing in Ian because they are a unified front. This does not impress Don Don or Trumpet. You don’t bring someone into the boardroom to potentially get fired because they did a good job. The ladies, watching this unfold from their suite, also do not approve.
Kate points out that Kevin’s strategy is that he is trying to force Trumpet to fire Geraldo and that it is going to backfire.
Trumpet asks Kevin why he didn’t bring back Lorenzo, because as the director, Lorenzo had a good chance to be fired.
Ian is given the opportunity to talk about how disruptive Geraldo was. Trumpet continues to give Kevin the business for not bringing back Lorenzo. And Kevin says Ian should be fired over him but can’t articulate why in a way that anyone agrees with. Trumpet gives Ian the business for playing into Kevin’s hand and being too nice, but when asked again who he should fire, Ian sticks with Geraldo. Trumpet is mad that Kevin tried to outthink him, presumably by bringing Ian back into the boardroom instead of Lorenzo to increase the chances of Geraldo getting fired. Trumpet asks Kevin if Ian should survive. Kevin says yes and is immediately fired. DAMMIT.
The next challenge will be a food task for Luvo, a company whose goal is to make it easy for people to make better food choices. The task is to create a product theme/slogan and bistro with product tasting from their frozen food lineup. They also have to present to representatives of Delta, who serves this food. The advisers for this task are Eric and Ivanka.
Vivica decides it is her turn to be PM. The guys pick T.O., and Trumpet’s reaction is priceless.
The girls brainstorm that they need to highlight how Luvo will help different groups live their lives better — athletes, beauty queens, divas, etc. Their slogan is “Love Yourself, One Bite at a Time.”
The first thing T.O. does as project manager is give Geraldo “creative freedom,” or in other words, he decides to stay the fuck out of Geraldo’s way. He saw what happened to Kevin when Kevin tried to push back and that will not be T.O., no sir.
Shawn announces to the ladies that her monthly visitor has arrived and uses that as an excuse to… I’m not sure what, exactly. Child, please. That’s why Midol exists. Also, you’re an Olympic gold medalist, surely you’ve worked through more intense pain than cramps. Vivica is definitely having none of that, though. She interviews that she didn’t realize this was going to turn into PMS week and she will remember that Shawn has essentially checked out.
T.O. asks all the guys to write scripts for their presentations. Everyone does except for Gilbert, who prefers to improvise.
Geraldo does try to tell Gilbert to incorporate his kids into his testimonial about the Luvo products even though they’ve never tasted them. Gilbert maintains that he is just going to wing it, because that is what he does.
Lorenzo doesn’t like the slogan Geraldo came up with, but interviews that if they lose because of it, T.O. is the one who signed off on said slogan. (“Eat lean, live long, Luvo, for a delicious life.”)
The guys start presenting their menu and everything goes well until Gilbert gets up and starts babbling about his kids and how he considers them miracles because his wife has low enough self-esteem to have had sex with him twice. Gilbert has officially gone off the rails. No one is impressed.
When it is the ladies’ turn to present, Vivica comes out dressed up as a male coach, coaching Jamie into better shape.
While everyone seems delighted, there is drama in the kitchen because of the delay between courses. I mean, at this point nothing can be as bad as Gilbert’s attempt at comic relief, so everyone needs to chillax. There is tension between Jamie and Kenya, who tells Jamie she isn’t dressed appropriately to help serve more food, which is ridiculous, because all she is showing is her midriff, which happened all the TIME on 90210, so Ian Ziering would most certainly approve, and that’s all that matters.
Now we go back to the boardroom, and all I can think is that I hope the guys lose, so that Geraldo gets fired. #TeamSteveSanders.
Trumpet asks Vivica if she would like Geraldo on her team and would she trade one of her players. She says she would get rid of Shawn. That’s why you keep PMS to yourself!!!!
Vivica tells Trumpet that she doesn’t think Shawn wants to be there and that she checked out on her for this task. She specifically cites the monthly problem, which is MIND BOGGLING to me. Johnny Damon is also incredulous.
Shawn tries to defend herself by saying she ran around with Kate for over six hours trying to secure props. Kate defends Shawn, Vivica steamrolls her and says that Shawn told her, “I’m sorry if I just checked out on you.” Man, back to Piers’s advice: Beware of the backstabbers!
Kenya backs up Vivica in regards to Shawn’s checking out. Trumpet is spending so much time grilling the girls, I have to assume they lost. Jamie now alludes to the drama with Kenya and I am starting to lose interest. I just want to know whether or not Geraldo is fired!!
The ladies get their feedback: The gap between courses comes back to haunt them, as does the lack of nutrition and product details.
The guys are told their professional service was incredible and no one felt rushed. They also liked that everyone tied their personalities into the brand. They didn’t like the slogan (GERALDO) and that the guys didn’t emphasize a change in lifestyle over losing weight and that Gilbert’s humor was inappropriate.
Trumpet announces that Vivica’s team won.
Gilbert doesn’t think he is the reason the guys lost. Johnny doesn’t understand what it is like to be on a losing team.
Trumpet asks for Ian’s thoughts — SWOON. He says T.O. and Geraldo were responsible for the AWFUL slogan but that T.O. did a good job as PM.
Ivanka and Eric start putting Geraldo in his place for the shitty slogan and use of the word “lean,” because this product is more about embracing a healthy lifestyle.
T.O. is a smarter PM than Kevin was and opts to bring back Gilbert and Geraldo into the boardroom. PLEASE FIRE GERALDO. PLEASE.
Unfortunately, Trump fires Gilbert since his name came up specifically with the execs.
Back in the suite, Shawn yells at Vivica for telling everyone about her PMS. Well, that’s what you get for saying, “I usually don’t get out of bed this time of the month.” Again, you’re an Olympic athlete. Suck it up, buttercup.
Other takeaways from this episode: Do not let Kate project manage again. Fire Geraldo ASAP. #TeamSteveSanders.
