I’m not sure why, but this week’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice was the hardest to watch. It lacked any sort of… anything. Oh wait, I DO know why — because I realized this show lacks any and all credibility, and I’ll elaborate on that later.
The first task was to create a photobomb campaign for King’s Hawaiian using imagery of NYC. So, bread. They’re promoting bread. With imagery of NYC. With original hashtags.
The project managers for this gem of a task are Johnny and Kenya. Brandi interviews that #TeamSteveSanders is stuck in the 80s with his ideas. (“You can have a slice of paradise for lunch or just a snack, once you taste Hawaiian, there’s just no turning back.”) I’ll be honest — I have no idea how that translates to “stuck in the 80s,” but I WILL say Brandi’s slogan of “We rise to the occasion” is friendly for EVERY decade.
Kenya knows Vivica is not someone you fuck with, so declares they should wipe the slate clean from last week’s debacle of HUH — because I’m really not sure why it mattered so much that they argued over shopping. Kenya wants to go with “I like big buns” by superimposing images of buns on models’s butts. That’s not really imagery of NYC, honey bunches of oats.
Geraldo declares Kenya’s body perfect to impose buns on and this offends Vivica because of something about a movie she was in, Booty Call, which is NOT something I would brag about, FOR THE RECORD, because the description on IMDB.com is simply, “Two friends who have gone too long without sex set out to get some,” and that is going to win you a Razzie at best, Ms. Fox.
Ian wants to take pictures from a helicopter. #TeamSteveSanders.
Kenya tells Vivica she’s too fat to be in these pictures while they ask random women if they can photograph them. Kenya shuts Vivica out of the entire task, essentially. At some point Kenya asks her to Google something, and it is then that we learn Vivica’s phone has gone missing.
Team Johnny (#TeamSteveSanders) uses #RiseAbove, #CrowningMoment and #NYHighRising as their hash tags.
Ian interviews that what they delivered would far surpass the other team, and seals that with the following “hashtag checkmate bitches.”
Team Kenya indeed goes with #ILikeBigBuns and #BabiesLuvBuns and #GirlsJustWannaHaveBuns which… really? While they are presenting this, the Don Don side-eye to Eric is pretty telling. It’s more WTF than OMG, and you know this team (Vortex, I think, but who cares) is about to go down for the fifth task in a row.
In the boardroom, everyone says everyone else is amazing except when Trumpet asks Kenya about Vivica A. Kenya says, “I think she didn’t necessarily feel the best and that maybe inhibited her performance,” which Vivica vehemently denies.
To no one’s surprise, Team Johnny wins. Who knew #BaibesLuvBuns would be so off-putting? (Hint: Everyone except the dipshits who came up with the fucking concept!)
There is a mind-numbingly dull argument in the boardroom over whose butt Geraldo likes more. It’s truly painful to watch. Kenya mentions a tweet from Vivica talking about going through menopause and Vivica responds that Kenya is a “dirty ass bitch.” It is at this point where I truly 1) miss I Wanna Marry ‘Harry’ and 2) regret offering to recap a show that focuses so much on the milestones of female bodily functions.
Vivica insists she never tweeted that. Don Don Jr. pulls up said tweet, “This menopause is killing me. I can’t think straight. I’m acting a damn fool half the time. 50 just isn’t sexy.” So Vivica remembers that her phone was “stolen” and uses that as the excuse for the tweet. Everyone is talking over everyone else to the point where I wish someone would slip them all illegal painkillers. Sure, maybe Kenya actually DID steal the phone as Vivica would never send that text herself. Or WOULD she, so she could cry wolf and get Kenya fired? We’ll never know.
Trumpet fires Kenya, not because she may or may not have stolen Vivica’s phone, but because she didn’t help the sinking ship that was her new team and she also had the worst ideas and lost. Kenya turns to Vivica to wish her the best. Vivica says to her, “Bye Trick.” It’s phenomenal.
Joan Rivers comes back as an advisor for the second task, creating a jingle for Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.
Trumpet sends Leeza over to Team Dipshit (spelled G-E-R-A-L-D-O) to balance things out. Leeza and Brandi step up as PMs.
Geraldo, of course, wants to do something “Puerto Rican.” If there is one thing this show and Trumpet lacks, it is credibility. If he were firing people based on their actual contributions to the teams’ outcomes, Geraldo should have been axed weeks ago.
Ian gets too distracted by Johnny and Brandi’s talking, so goes into the recording studio alone to come up with a masterpiece, which turns into him totally ripping off “La Cucaracha.”
I believe the task was to create an ORIGINAL jingle, not rip off an existing one, but no one stands in the way of #TeamSteveSanders.
Brandi says he’s acting like “a little bitch” and at one point tells him to “shut the fuck up.” The producers did a great job of making Ian look like the bad guy during this second task, which I do NOT appreciate. Ian has apparently been writing a blog for People and had this to say about Brandi:
Brandi is a mess, so I figured I’d let her implode. She can’t make a decision without reassurance from someone else. She came up with nothing to contribute only with something to criticize.
Meanwhile, Geraldo, Vivica and Leeza are having a blast. Apparently Vivica CAN play nice with others as long as others do not include vindictive housewives.
Brandi picks the jingle Johnny wrote, much to Ian’s dismay. Her team loses badly.
And then, Trumpet has a back and forth with Ian that is ASININE. Ian sings his jingle for Trumpet after he claims his idea was better. Trumpet is stunned because Ian straight up plagiarized the melody of “La Cucaracha,” so the jingle was not usable to begin with.
We get WAY too much boardroom in this episode. You KNOW Trump is going to fire Ian, but it takes him forever to get there. Brandi is relieved until Trumpet fires Johnny and then her. So yes. He fired the entire team after five straight wins and one bad loss. Meanwhile Geraldo, who has sunk almost every ship he’s been on, is now one of the final three.
I cannot wait for this season to end, because it has really been trying my patience.
