When I was 14, I rented Unforgiven to watch with my grandpa while visiting his house for a weekend. Being a big fan of westerns, I figured he would enjoy one that had recently won an Oscar for Best Picture and starred Clint Eastwood. While my grandpa was a fan of westerns, he was a fan of John Wayne-type westerns and about 30 minutes into the movie, he got out of his chair, walked into his bedroom, and shut the door.
I don’t think I ever saw my grandpa more upset about a decision I made, and I learned a lesson that you shouldn’t watch certain movies with family members. 50 Shades of Grey dominated the box office over the weekend, earning over $90 million, and breaking the President’s Day weekend box office record. While I’m sure many moms and daughters read the book, and maybe even borrowed each other’s copy, would they be comfortable watching the scenes in 50 Shades of Grey playing out in front of them while sitting together in a darkened theater?
With that in mind, here are seven other movies you should avoid unless you want to spend some uncomfortable moments with your family — and yes, these do include spoilers.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Why You Might: Stars that guy from How I Met Your Mother (Jason Segel), Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell), the cute girl from That 70’s Show (Mila Kunis), and someone’s favorite British comedian Russell Brand.
Why You Shouldn’t: You’ll learn fairly quickly how much of a mistake you made when a fully naked Segel appears about five minutes into the movie. If you make it past that initial shock, get ready for a couple of loud and awkward sex scenes, a sexually frustrated couple (Jack McBrayer and Maria Thayer), and an interesting Polaroid of Kunis.
Crash
Why You Might: Everyone in the family thinks it’s the Best Picture Winner from 2005 starring Matt Dillon, Sandra Bullock, and Don Cheadle.
Why You Shouldn’t: Oops. It’s the David Cronenberg (The Fly, Scanners) directed bomb of the same name from 1996, starring James Spader about a group of people who have a sexual fetish for car accidents. Obviously, the movie has a lot of sex scenes, but nothing tops Spader having sex with Rosanna Arquette’s leg scar in a Toyota Tercel after lustily examining her leg braces.
Black Swan
Why You Might: The movie was nominated for five Oscars with Natalie Portman winning for Best Actress. Also, ballet!
Why You Shouldn’t: It’s actually a pretty dark psychological thriller directed by Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler) in which Portman’s character, Nina, hallucinates having sex with Lily (Mila Kunis), multiple people being stabbed, and eventually sprouting wings.
Django Unchained
Why You Might: It’s a western starring Oscar winners Jamie Foxx and Christoph Waltz.
Why You Shouldn’t: Pretty much any Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Inglourious Basterds) movie would be slightly uncomfortable to watch with the family, but try watching it with an entire senior group. That’s what happened to me when I decided to go see this at 10 A.M. on a weekday. For two hours, I sat two rows behind 20-plus senior citizens who groaned and flinched at every racial slur, blood-soaked shootout, and an upside-down naked Foxx.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Why You Might: Like 50 Shades of Grey, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a wildly popular book series, selling over 15 million copies in the United States, but why would you read the book when you can see the movie?
Why You Shouldn’t: If you’ve read the book, you’ll know to stay away. But for those unaware, the film (both the Swedish and American versions) includes a very graphic rape scene involving Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace or Rooney Mara). Salander gets revenge on her rapist in a scene that’s uncomfortable for other reasons.
The Wolf of Wall Street
Why You Might: The movie received five Oscar nominations including a Best Actor nod for star Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why You Shouldn’t: Like a lot of the movies of director Martin Scorsese (Goodfellas, Taxi Driver), The Wolf of Wall Street explores the seedier side of life. This time, the subject is former Wall Street stockbroker Jordan Belfort and includes scenes of graphic sexual content, rampant drug use, and a record breaking use of the word “fuck.”
Secretary
Why You Might: You and your family only know of James Spader from The Blacklist, Boston Legal, The Office, and his guest appearance on Seinfeld.
Why You Shouldn’t: The film roles of Spader are slightly creepier — see Crash above — than his television ones. In Secretary, Spader plays a boss named E. Edward Grey who hires a submissive secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal), and the two begin a BDSM relationship. Wait! That sounds familiar.
Sometimes it’s pretty easy to weed out the movies you shouldn’t watch together (Cannibal Holocaust, Requiem for a Dream, Salo), but occasionally for some reason or another you end up spending a couple of awkward minutes or hours (depending on how fast someone changes the channel or presses stop) next to your parents with no way to escape. Hopefully, with this list of seven you’ll be able to avoid them in the future.
Thanks to Reva Friedel for suggesting Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
