Perhaps I should start this off by saying that I don't believe there's any right or wrong way to mourn the passing of a loved one, most especially a parent. There is no set of rules to follow, and if there were, none of them would likely feel right as you try to process what's happened, what you've lost and where to go from there.
Yet I'm fascinated by the way actor John Schneider chose to finally give in to the emotions he was feeling shortly after his father passed away, while a photographer was on hand.
If you're unfamiliar with the story, photographer Jeremy Cowart recently shared his experience on a photo shoot for the television show The Haves and the Have Nots, which just began its second season on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Cowart was taking group and individual portraits of the cast members, something he's done many times throughout his career. As typically happens, the actors quickly shuffle off once the pictures are taken. But Schneider was hoping to get some more photos snapped after the business at hand was addresssed.
During the cast photo shoot, Cowart describes Schneider — most famous for his roles on The Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville — as "extremely professional, humble and a lot of fun to work with," and was "smiling" and "goofing off" to keep the mood upbeat and make sure everyone involved was having a good time. After a final round of photos with him and the series' lead actress, Tika Sumpter, were completed, Schneider then approached Cowart and asked if they could sneak in a few more individual images.
"There’s something going on," Schneider said, "and I just need a photo."
That's when things became strange. Or maybe it's better to say the situation became very real. According to Cowart, Schneider began weeping. "Legitimately crying," as he put it. Given what Cowart had seen from Schneider earlier in the photo shoot, he thought the actor was putting himself through a different range of emotions to be photographed. Was this some kind of acting exercise? Cowart was impressed by Schneider's ability to show such range of expression.
However, this wasn't an acting exercise. It may have been an exercise in controlling one's emotions before finally acknowledging them. But Schneider wasn't crying on cue to demonstrate his ability to show pain or sorrow. He was feeling the real thing. Cowart could tell this wasn't just an act either, and put his camera down because Schneider really seemed to be going through something.
"My Dad died about an hour ago," Schneider told Cowart. "I found out during our lunch break. And I wanted you to capture that for me."
OK — wow.
My first thought was that this was one of the most narcissistic things I had ever read about. Celebrities: They are most definitely not like us! The man's father had just died and he was holding on to that until there was an opportunity to have photos taken of him mourning? When I read comments applauding Schneider's bravery in sharing those moments, I scoffed. Are these people f—ing serious?
As someone who has also lost his father, I can tell with you with absolute certainty that I would not have wanted someone taking pictures of what I and my family were going through, what I was feeling in the hour afterwards. For someone to stick a camera in my face to record my grief would've felt obscene.
Then again, that's how I felt in my particular situation. It obviously didn't feel that way to Schneider. It was his choice to have those portraits taken. He wanted a record of what he was experiencing when he ultimately allowed himself to acknowledge the loss of his father.
Schneider may even have been after something, indicated by when he looked at one of the photos Cowart had taken and said, "That's it. That's my Dad." When he asked for the photos to be taken, did Schneider have some inkling that he might capture his father in one of those images? Was that his hope? If so, there really is something beautiful — while also bizarre — about that.
Perhaps this entire incident is an indication of Schneider's professionalism. He apparently received news of his father's death during the photo shoot with his fellow cast members. Knowing how difficult it can be to get so many people in one place at the same time, perhaps Schneider knew that postponing or canceling the rest of the shoot would have inconvenienced his colleagues and the photographer.
Under those circumstances, Schneider's actions don't seem so unusual. Shutting off that part of yourself for a greater good happens often, I'm sure. I know I tried my best to hold myself together, to be strong for my mother and sister as they grieved. When I had a moment to myself, I let it go. And since it had been building up, the release was sometimes uncontrollable. Occasionally, I wonder if I did damage to myself by not acknowledging those emotions enough and am still dealing with this today as a result. What Schneider did may have been much healthier for his own emotional and mental well-being.
The more I think about it, the more I believe I can understand what Schneider may have been thinking before asking to have photos of his grief taken. He'd been holding his emotions in, keeping it together to make sure the photo shoot could be completed. He gave everyone else what they needed. But when the opportunity presented itself, Schneider decided to do something for himself. No more smiles, no more acting. Instead of posing for pictures as a character, he needed to pose as who he really was — a man who had just lost his father.
I'm still not comfortable with how Schneider chose to record his grief, which is why I felt the need to write about it. But who am I to say what he should or shouldn't have done? It was his choice, given the situation he was presented with. How many of us find out a parent died while in the middle of a photo shoot for a television show with the entire cast on hand? Maybe it was easier for him to compartmentalize his emotions in that setting. As unusual as it might seem to normal people, Schneider's been in front of a camera for most of his life and has presumably lived that life largely in the public eye.
There are also other factors to consider. Perhaps Schneider's father had been ill for a long time, and the son had essentially come to terms with his death. Not that losing someone is ever easy, but it can sometimes be easier to process when you've seen it coming for quite a while and have dealt with the loss on some level.
As I said, the first time I read about this, I was in disbelief, nearly to the point of outrage. Had I written something directly afterwards, maybe this post would've been more entertaining. But after thinking about it, maybe I understand Schneider's actions a bit more — even if I don't entirely agree with them from a personal viewpoint. Many of you might disagree (or raise an extreme scenario), but I do believe there's no right or wrong way to act when genuinely experiencing grief. Maybe I — and we — should be grateful to Schneider making this public so we can talk about it and think about how we would handle ourselves in similar situations.
However, maybe we can agree on this: Let's not see this become a trend among celebrities, all right?
