The Celebrity Apprentice two-hour “live” season finale was about an hour and 45 minutes too long. I put “live” in quotations because, yes, the winner was revealed live and Trumpet brought back all the fired celebs in order to patronize them live and Kenya Moore went out of her way to kiss Ivanka Trump’s ass live. HOWEVER, a lot of the episode had already been taped and it was barely tolerable.
We pick up with Geraldo Rivera abrasively retrieving the kids he couldn’t find at the end of the last episode.
Kevin Jonas is kicking ass and taking names for Leeza Gibbons, directing the video shoot and telling the crowd gathered around him to get the fuck out of their way. And they listen.
Kevin interviews about how classy Leeza is (truth) and that she knows how to treat people. He killed two birds with one stone there. He is absolutely correct about Leeza while he also gives Geraldo a big old middle finger for being such an ego-maniacal condescending prick. Exhibit ABCDEFG: “Once Lorenzo [Lamas] conceded I was in charge, the whole day went smoother.”
Geraldo once again talks about the strength of his concept lying in “the fact that I was going to be Geraldo Rivera reporting, a very familiar and some would say iconic figure.” SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS, GERALDO. #TeamSteveSanders agrees:
But Geraldo is moved to tears when he locks down Tony Orlando as entertainment for the presentation. Tony’s sister is developmentally disabled and Geraldo’s charity supports those with disabilities and that is great and everything but it’s not until Geraldo locks down a huge name that he suddenly remembers what this is all about. This makes #TeamSteveSanders lament that Geraldo really is a good guy (put down the crack pipe, yo).
#TeamSteveSanders then interviews that the commercial is too Geraldo-focused and less family-focused which — DUH — I mean, when Geraldo is in charge, it’s all about him. This is quite a sea-saw of emotion.
The finale goes between the live boardroom and the final task. Trumpet brings out all the fired celebs and sucks up to them like crazy — for example telling Terrell Owens he better make the Hall of Fame and how awesome he was on the show, which… he wasn’t as bad as I thought he’d be, but awesome is not a word I’d use either
Geraldo interviews that he’s an old guy “that can still get it up.” Well, we’d rather you didn’t.
Even though Trumpet said that the amount of money raised would not be the deciding factor, Leeza can’t seem to let it go about how much more she thinks Geraldo can raise than her. But honestly, her family-focused commercial should blow his out of the water, while his should make everyone dry-heave, so what’s a couple hundred grand after that?
When it’s time to present commercials, Geraldo goes first, pronounces #TeamSteveSanders name wrong and elicits the following reaction from Don Jr. for his Geraldo-focused theme park commercial.
Leeza’s commercial seems to go over better and then she brings out Olivia Newton-John. The one that we all want. (Sorry, too easy.)
In all seriousness, both finalists give speeches about what their charities mean to them, though Leeza does a way better job because she is better in general.
When we get back to the next live boardroom scene, Trumpet tells Rudy Huxtable that she did a fantastic job on the show. Even though she was the first person fired. And he completely butchers her name.
Pretty sure that's not her name. #CelebApprentice https://t.co/3uTKRm0gnR
— Dalton Ross (@DaltonRoss) February 17, 2015
Trump also cuts Pulliam off, saying “thank you” to introduce the newest Miss Universe. I mean, literally, she is still talking and he has lost interest. Gee, I wonder why.
Then I get confused because we get a non-live boardroom scene in the midst of a live boardroom finale. Don Jr. and Ivanka go over what the execs did and didn’t like about the commercials. (Geraldo’s wasn’t family focused, Leeza’s didn’t use enough celebrity.)
The money raised wasn’t even close in terms of competition —Geraldo and his team raised $146,000, Leeza raised $324,000.
Trumpet dismisses them from the boardroom as the winner will be announced live.
The live stuff drags on and on, and I’ll be honest that I skipped over the Joan Rivers tribute and whatever came after because I just wanted to get to the ending already. There was another debate over the mystery behind Vivica’s missing phone and — blah blah whatever — who cares.
When it comes down to the final decision, Trumpet finally does something reasonable and names Leeza the victor. Immediately after doing so, the video on NBC.com ends abruptly, so I miss the opportunity to see Geraldo (presumably) inevitably try to justify his loss while insisting that he’s still Mount Rushmore.
Word on the street is that there is already another season forthcoming. In order for me to have any interest whatsoever, the cast would have to involve at least one cast member from California Dreams and a Backstreet Boy.
