Before we get into this week’s Celebrity Apprentice recap, which again featured back-to-back episodes, let me warn you that Geraldo walks around in his underwear, and if my retinas had to be burned and I had to be scarred for life in general, then you too will have to suffer the same fate!
The first task is to come up with a four-page fitness editorial to be featured in Cosmopolitan magazine and on the lifestyle app. In terms of picking the project managers, it’s a no-brainer. Johnny Damon for the guys and Jamie Anderson for the girls. An Olympic gold medalist up against a World Series Champion for a fitness editorial — makes sense.
Jamie wants to focus on natural beauty, which is rich considering the combined number of plastic surgeries on everyone in that room has to be in the high double-digits. Kenya, however, comes up with the concept of Touch Me— so wherever you touch the woman is where you’re going to work out. Jamie doesn’t back it, but wants to keep the peace. Mistake one.
Geraldo comes up with the concept of taking selfies and T.O. offers the slogan “Love Your Selfie Naked.” (Who knew T.O. was that clever???) Also, Ian interviews that his wife needs to read more Cosmo so she can essentially read about what he wants her to do for him without him having to say it and risk getting punched in the face. (I’m paraphrasing that, okay??) #TeamSteveSanders
Kenya declares she should be used as a model for the feature and Brandi does her best to derail that train because Battle of the Bravo Bitches has to be a part of every episode.
Johnny decides to use his wife in the still photo shoots, which makes sense because look:
The girls are using Brandi in the shoot with a guy model, with the plan being to also include quotes in the spread from Shawn and Jamie about fitness. Kenya interviews that their execution is going in too many different directions and Leeza agrees that it lacks cohesion and focus.
Kenya, meanwhile, is trying to get Brandi to take off her top. Brandi is balking and Kenya says, and this is a direct quote, “She’s so used to being naked, what is the problem?”
Ian is writing a pole-dancing essay because his wife is taking lessons, which Geraldo hates, and then interviews that Ian is a prick and being photographed fully clothed is not sexy enough. Next thing we know, Geraldo is walking around like this:
Lorenzo correctly interviews that a selfie of a shirtless Geraldo in this spread would not appeal to Cosmo’s main demographic. Unless by “appeal,” he of course means “cause them to immediately dry heave.”
Despite Geraldo’s grossness, Johnny’s team wins and he’s so cute and emotional about it.
Jamie says her team’s disconnected theme was “the housewives’ fault” (no, really, she said that) and that she didn’t want to fight them on it even though she initially disagreed that using them as models for the main spread was the way to go.
Jamie also asks Trumpet to pick the two people she has to bring back FOR her (mistake two) and he tells her if she doesn’t choose she will get fired. Jamie’s youth is showing so much during this task. She just lacks overall experience to get out of her own way of wanting to win, while also wanting everyone to like her and also wanting to not make any hard decisions.
Ultimately, she decides to bring back Kenya and Kate (mistake three). This is a glaring error because earlier in the boardroom scene, Kenya declared herself the star and Jamie agreed. So, bringing her back in to potentially get fired is as dumb as Kevin bringing Ian back to try to force Geraldo to get fired last week.
While they wait, Kenya points out that Brandi is far more toxic than her and Jamie made a mistake. Jamie’s backbone snaps like a twig and the first thing she tells Trumpet when they get called back in is that she made a mistake (mistake four). All of this indecision leads to Jamie getting fired.
Also, girl crush on Ivanka aside, I had to snort because every time she’s in the boardroom she always turns to her dad and says, “I think you did the right thing.”
Kenya was able to manipulate her way out of getting fired and knows it, and so does Brandi. I wonder how long these two are going to last.
The next task involves opening a boutique for wedding dresses. The goal is to make as much money as possible for charity and each team can charge whatever they want for the dresses.
Trumpet announces that the winning PM will keep both teams’ earnings. He also switches up the teams, sending Shawn, Vivica and Kate to the guys’ side, while Ian, Johnny and T.O. go over to the girls’.
To break it down: Team Infinity is now Leeza, Brandi, Kenya, T.O., Johnny and Ian.
Team Vortex is now Shawn, Vivica, Kate, Sig, Geraldo, and Lorenzo. The new PM’s are Ian and Geraldo.
It is a good thing I am not on this show, because if I was on Ian’s team, I’d do nothing but swoon. #TeamSteveSanders
Everyone starts making phone calls on Ian’s team. The goal is to beat Geraldo. Obvs.
Brandi separates herself to make her phone calls, because she’s trying to avoid drama with Kenya. Ian is concerned, but should be more concerned with T.O., who appears to be doing nothing. He made his calls and eats a burger while waiting for callbacks.
Kate is nervous that since her money didn’t come in time for task one, that will also be the case this time. She decides she will need to do whatever it takes to draw traffic to their boutique instead of being #TeamSteveSanders like a sane person:
As Ian interviews that they are knocking it out of the park with their decorations, he realizes that Brandi has disappeared. She just happens to call Ian to tell him she had a panic attack and is now lying in bed but that she’s working on sending emails to raise money. Kenya uses this as a prime opportunity to say that Brandi is very intimidated by her presence, which means that she is “a loser and all kinds of crazy.”
When the boutique opens the next day, the first dollars that come in are courtesy of Brandi, even though she had been in the midst of a panic attack (i.e. drinking wine in her pajamas, am I right??).
The money comes in for both teams, Ian and Geraldo both get stupid big checks (like, $100K+ stupid for people who can’t afford that).
Sig has played such a minimal role thus far, and the focus on him for this task is that he is being overly aggressive to get women into the boutique while Kate criticizes him in her wedding dress.
Eric drops by both boutiques and my main question is whether or not every guy with the last name Trump is required to have bad hair.
Kate’s check actually arrives this time, but the producers make it seem like that’s not going to happen with all the suspense shots.
A lot of T.O.’s donors have fallen through and he doesn’t seem concerned. This will, of course, become an issue if #TeamSteveSanders doesn’t win.
In the boardroom, Trumpet announces that not only did the two teams raise almost $600K combined, but that there was only a $2,500 difference between the winner and loser. He tells the PMs they can decide whether or not they want to keep their money, no matter who wins or loses— or go for broke with winner taking all.
Geraldo and Ian agree it would be irresponsible to take away from the other’s charity when they each have the opportunity to keep the money.
Final Verdict: $292,547 dollars raised by Ian, $294,780 raised by Geraldo.
Geraldo fucking wins AGAIN. I am livid.
Trumpet tells Geraldo that he will personally round out his winnings to an even $300,000. Ian asks for the same and gets it. #TeamSteveSanders
Ian brings Johnny and T.O. back into the boardroom since they raised the least. Trumpet says it would be really hard to fire Ian since he raised so much. T.O. does something astonishing, which is admit he should be fired since he raised the least.
So that’s what happens.
I want to see Geraldo fired, goddammit! But at least Ian is still alive. Next week’s adventures should be just as interesting.
