Recently, an article in the Washington Post‘s Wonkblog discussed our hesitancy to do things alone — be it going to the movies, a museum, or even dinner. This hesitance was mostly based out of fear of others’ perceptions of us. Oh, she’s eating alone, she must be:
But a study outlined in the Wonkblog post showed that people actually enjoyed doing activities alone which they previously thought they wouldn’t have — and maybe the most telling takeaway is that other people really don’t care if we’re alone or not:
But other people, as it turns out, actually aren’t thinking about us quite as judgmentally or intensely as we tend to anticipate. Not nearly, in fact. There’s a long line of research that shows how consistently and regularly we overestimate others’ interest in our affairs. The phenomenon is so well known that there is even a name for it in psychology: the spotlight effect. A 2000 study conducted by Thomas Gilovich found that people regularly adjust their actions to account for the perspective of others, even though their actions effectively go unnoticed. Many other researchers have since confirmed the pattern of egocentric thinking that skews how we act.
I am both a firm believer and living proof that if you don’t take a risk and do things alone, you could be missing out. When I moved to California in 2013, I knew zero people here. And prior to moving, I really had not gone out by myself before and didn’t realize that the opportunity to meet people by doing so is rather extensive.
For the first month or so after moving, I didn’t venture out much. But then, one day after work, I decided to go watch baseball and get a glass of wine — alone — and that sort of opened the floodgates. I met someone. (The fact that he would proceed to rip my beating heart out of my chest is irrelevant.)
Once I realized that there was opportunity to meet people even when you go out solo, I embraced it.
As I continued to meet people and make friends, that did not stop me from going out alone. Obviously, it’s a crap shoot. Sometimes, you meet people who turn into your best friends. Other times you meet no one, or just have a random conversation with a guy who you think is hitting on you, but turns out to be engaged. But the more important thing to remember is that even while putting yourself out there, and going out alone is hit or miss, it certainly beats the guaranteed option of meeting no one by sitting home alone and watching Netflix.
What is important to remember is that fear of what other people may think of you should not stop you from trying new things. That first night I went out alone, it didn’t even occur to me that anyone would judge me for being by myself. And, as studies have shown, we think way more about what other people think of us than what those people actually think of us. Make sense? Good!
The next time you find yourself without plans, I challenge you to venture out to a bar or a restaurant or the movies solo, and just see what happens. Even if you don’t make a couple new friends, the experience is likely to be far more entertaining than the alternate option of nothing.
